the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
