So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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