why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
