i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
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rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
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It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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