Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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