I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
