if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
