Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
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