i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
