Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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