My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
