I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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