its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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