Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
