I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
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I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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