I could make wine with my vomit
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
