That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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