Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
