Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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