Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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