Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
