her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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