i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
