i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
