you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
