I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
