hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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