We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
