i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Randomize
