I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
