Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Randomize
