At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
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