I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
