I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
That accounts for only three of the penises
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
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