It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize