i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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