p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
