i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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