I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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