Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
God, I missed his penis.
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