I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night