Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
