If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
