i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Too much gin, very little bucket
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
