New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
