AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
