NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
