I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
