Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
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Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
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i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
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