he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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