Banned from zoo.
Again?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
