My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
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But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
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My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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