I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize