No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Mom said you looked used
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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