what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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