you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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