Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
