I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
