Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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